My Enlightenment 10/28

i was in a paradise last night. swimming in a crystal clear lake.  mountain ranges painting the backgrounds.   lush green grass.  at first, ancient marble remnants scattered around hills of green.  i was alone there in this breathtaking place and i felt so peaceful.

but as all dreams must come to and end.  i remember stumbling upon a lunchbox and taking a bite into a sandwich.  suddenly, technological/futuristic places sprung up out of no where.  it was not the same place i had left.  one bite out of that mysterious sandwich and the paradise became diseased with burger kings and other stores.  but everything was still abandoned.  

And if I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to takeBut please don’t cry, just know that I have made these songs for you

I am 20.  A little too old to be riding the swing.  I don’t want to but the wind draws me to the back and forth motion of the seat.  Back…forth…back…forth.  I gravitate towards the swing.  I sit on the cold but fair colorless seat.  

I am the swing.  Back…forth…back…forth.  Gaining more and more speed.   Back…forth…back…forth.  I reach the peak of the forth.  It lasts a split second.  I reach the peak of the back.  I hang in a standstill for what seems like a lifetime compared to the forth.  I want it to stop but I the swing draws me to the back.  And then it lets go.  Back…forth…back…forth.  The back and forth motion makes me dizzy.  My mind is foggy.  I remember being at the forth.  But the enjoyment of the forth descends.  I remember staying longer at the back.  Is it hopelessness?  Is it nothing?  I cannot remember.

I am already walking away leaving the swing behind as a feint memory.  When I close my eyes, I see myself 10 years younger on that same swing but I am frozen in the back.  I cry.  I cry.  I want to get down.  But it won’t budge.  

10 years go by.  I realize the back is where I belong.  I realize that the back is not so bad. 

Suddenly, there are hundreds of swings, hundreds of people…forth…back…forth…back.  I smile.  I once swung higher than all of them.  I frown.  I am now stuck higher than them.  Face down unless I tilt my head up.  Seeing them makes me want to come back forth.  But I still don’t budge.  I still don’t budge.  I still don’t budge.  They swing. swing. swing.  Their movements become slower and slower.  Until they stop in the middle.  They leave.  But I stay.  I stay and wait.

Maybe the back is not so bad after all.

I feel like I am in my own world.  I sit and observe my surroundings.  The people are all just pieces on a chessboard being played by some giant sperm whale.  There are no kings and queens or bishops.  There are only pawns and that whale.  And I despairingly spectate this intangible game.